The Flyslayer

The Flyslayer

Ecclesiastes 10: 1 As dead flies give perfume a bad smell, so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honor.

I don't remember when I first realized the talent, but I was very young. Part of it was because I saw them as arch-enemies. One had to develop strategies. One had to be keen-eyed and fiercely disciplined. One had to have lightning reflexes and deadly aim.

Also, the tools had to be of a high-caliber: flexible, sturdy, light, and simple. You won't be a good hunter if you're using a spatula, a rolled-up newspaper, or your wife's vase. However, these items may do in a pinch.

So I found the better weapons and holstered them. You don't ever know when the prey will show up: although they tend to surge in the late Summer.

Understand that you can't destroy them in mid-flight/
Wait for them to alight.

Do not go for the wide swath, the long arc, in your decisive blow. Instead, stealthily draw near to the victim. Hold the weapon no more than two feet from the unsuspecting, soon-to-be mangled carcass. Visualize victory.

Keep your eye on the fly. Don't look at your hand. Your hand will do what your eye tells it.

Then swat! Don't hold back. Use all the pressure and force you can muster.

You will hear a smack and not be sure you got him. Look on the floor. There it lies, stiff, distorted, and with its little legs now pointing crookedly heavenward. The pest has gone to its long home.

This is no time for sentimentality. Develop a hard practicality. You haven't killed an insect, you have saved your cuisine and your sanity. Don't give up until the last bzzzz is silenced.

Remember, your weapon, the swatter, is now contaminated. Don't leave it laying on the table where you eat ~ Oprah will disapprove.

Finally, look at the carnage around you. You can't just leave it there. You have to employ a broom or vacuum to remove the ghastly remains of war. Leave no fly unburied. Deal with the reality.

You are now on your way to extermination greatness. You will be proud that people can distinguish your digs from the local landfill. You may even find gainful employment as a flyslayer. The best are able to pull down six-figure incomes. People will pay good money for the peace of mind it brings them.

Be proud of your calling. You are not a common murderer. You are a member of that great and noble profession of warriors who rid the world of its vermin.
Don't weep for the little larvae. Simply remember the motto of the fly:

DON'T WORRY. WE'LL MAKE MORE.

Job security.